Honestly, I don’t have that many friends that I catch up on a daily, weekly or monthly basis. That being said, it’s quite difficult to catch up with anyone these days because of everyday living, you know the typical excuses we make: work, family, partner… that kind of stuff. I feel like work is the main excuse and probably poor motivation to catch up with anyone.
This was probably the biggest challenge for me because of previous relationships with friends and partners but also because of my anxiety and depression. Living with it isn’t easy. It’s a constant battle, honestly. Getting up in the morning to face another day is like stepping on shattered glasses on the floor. Painful and exhausting. Nevertheless, I’m proud to reconnect with some of my friends and if I caught with you this year then please remember that it took a lot out of me to try to meet up with you. I’m trying very hard not to make any excuses to catch up. It’s hard to not overthink.
Overthinking is probably my downpour of trying to establish a stable friendship. What if they don’t like me? Am I too boring? What do I say? What should I do? Am I good enough for them? I may not vocalise it but you can physically see it. I sometimes move my legs or feet, shake, fidget with whatever I can grab with my fingers on or dart my eyes elsewhere. The most obvious sign of me overthinking is sweating. I sweat like there’s no tomorrow. It’s my anxiety working, ticking away in my mind. Asking questions after questions whether I’m good enough or not… if I should excuse myself or not… if I’m wasting your time and if you have better things to do rather than hang out with me. Yeah, it sucks but I honestly can’t help it.
I wish I have the ability to be carefree and not overthink but it’s difficult. I’m selective. I choose friends carefully and am always cautious. I don’t like that I’m like this but the past makes up the present person I am today. I can’t change the past but that doesn’t stop me from being the person I would like to be.
So far (02/03), I’ve caught up with three people: Thao (A friend of mine I’ve known from church youth group and Vietnamese school), Sarah (A friend of mine I’ve known since high school) and Vi (A friend of mine I’ve known since primary school). My aim is to reconnect with many people from my past and try to include them in my life. I can’t let my anxiety and depression win. I need to be better than last year and improve my quality of life. So far it has.
I’m quite happier than I was last year; considering how I worked like a dog and barely knew what a social life was, to reconnect with people I cherished during my time growing up is not just an item to tick off but more of a blessing that I get to see them. I’m blessed to exist and be part of their life, one way or another.
The Bucket Journey 